peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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