also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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