it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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