Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
