i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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