Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
