Soap is not a condiment
4 words: hood of his car
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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