the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
no more duck duck goose at the bar
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
