If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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