Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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