I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
