So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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