today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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