I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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