Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
