you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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