Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She bit a glass in half.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
