I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
