My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
