you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
