my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Define "chronic" masturbator.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
