if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
