the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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