bring money and cleavage
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
