I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
