Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
