so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
