I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize