well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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