that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
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