Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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