Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
