why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
