Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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