I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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