I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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