The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
