just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
