she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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