Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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