I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Randomize
