My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
