I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
