i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
