if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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