I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
