Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
