Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
