i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Randomize
