i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
