Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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