she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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