I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
