Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
