i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
