I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize