My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
