Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
