that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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