Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
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