I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
