My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Randomize
