My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
