You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
