how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Randomize
