laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
