put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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