My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
